Sunday, April 29, 2012

Wings, Fangs, and Flight, Part 5

We just finished discussing my DREAM TEAM, but you might be wondering what else has been

Why is Tiger no longer in posts? What was the surgery all about?

After having no place to call my own, truly my own, for over ten years, God had provided me an apartment.
He had been – and still is and forever will be – faithful, though. Not one night have I ever been out in the cold
even though I did spend two months in shelters while I was taking classes at New Horizons and waiting for the
finalization of my divorce. And I was working through Beth Moore’s Believing God with my ministry ladies as
things began to get tough. That apartment was where I was living as I got much closer to God, got the relieving
news I was cancer-free, got to know the people in my GROWTH GROUP and DREAM TEAM, and was
able to get to know some of my closest friends a lot better. It was where I was able to bless and be a blessing
to others more than I’d been able to as a traveling person… technically in a HOME at last that I knew was
mine to call HOME.


God was so good to me. Miracles occurred many times while I was staying in that little studio apartment,
and I called it the apartment of HOPE because in all honesty, I DID gain more hope living there than in the
years I went between couches and rooms in other people’s places, went to school, and earned the first of my
two degrees and got signed up for my graduate degree. At that point, I moved into the little room in the
basement of the daughter of my Kindergarten Sunday School teachers, whom I didn’t even know was her
until I interviewed with her and saw their photos on her door. That was a miracle in itself, as was getting into
graduate school. Not because of grades – my GPA was very high – but due to finances. This was mentioned
in a previous part of the testimony.

I believe, though, going back to the apartment of HOPE, that the turning points were lined up in a row…
meeting my DREAM TEAM and GROWTH GROUPS, the public dissolution of an engagement to
someone whose family was in the spotlight, turning what I learned about business and ministry researching
what he and I could do into something to utilize with my ministry ladies here in Oregon, and taking part in

While there, I wasn’t an angel though I’ve been blessed to see and meet some, and I wasn’t overwhelmingly
evil, either. I made my mistakes and learned from them as quickly as I was able to assimilate and resolve the
revelations I was gaining. My own guardian angel, Caleb (I only know from much prayer and was thankful
for an answer), certainly did his job as God’s watchman over me and always really has… God has been so
good, as I said. And it helps to recall the Holy Spirit’s presence within me and speaking to me in many
different ways, showing and telling me what I need to see and hear… but the feathers of PROTECTION
come from being sealed with the Holy Spirit and knowing the angels are round about. Caleb, in particular,
though others have shown themselves to me at times. Mostly, I never got names… they were standing behind
or next to people who were doing public speaking or in the sky, for instance.

Anyhow, we are not to worship any but God, and His angels are there to worship Him as well. They, like
us, are His servants, but we are His children if we have Jesus the Messiah in our hearts and have accepted
what He did on the cross at Calvary on our behalves. Nobody can accept Him or His gift of eternal life with
the Father for anyone else…. The angels, the Word of God tells us, marvel at God and are in awe of His
having made man in His image, doing all for us that He has. Caleb and other angels have a purpose in my life,
just as they have one in yours.

To get back to what I was saying, though, I wasn’t an angel. I made my mistakes. God, however,
was and continues to be so FAITHFUL (which is what Caleb means). His LOVE has no bounds,
 as His sacrifice has shown.

Someone I had gotten to know a few years prior came back into my life not too long before I ended up
needing to move from my apartment, and we decided to have a go at a relationship. That, if you are only
joining the readings recently, was Tiger. And though it was far from my first choice, his apartment was
the only place available for me to move other than a shelter, so I took it. There was an extra room, and
so I accepted the invitation to stay as I looked for work (which was a continued theme for quite a while),
doing the cleaning, décor, and a lot of the cooking, continuing my ministry and yes… that’s where I was
when God brought about the opportunity for a much-needed surgery. Only HE knew how much I needed it.

On December 7, 2011, I went in for surgery to remove what was thought to be one golf-ball sized cyst. It
turns out there were two – the other being the size of a tennis ball – and that the second was somehow
missed on the ultrasound that was done a couple of weeks prior. Not only that, but there were a couple
of other issues going on that were taken care of. The thing is, had my doctor waited even another couple
weeks for surgery, the outcome would have been vastly different. The cysts were strangling and tangled
up with normal body parts and had they gotten any bigger they might have created a lot of permanent
damage. Thank God for doctors who utilize their intuition and the Holy Spirit, because everything went
smoothly and was taken care of at once. Rather than removing the cysts, WINDOWS were cut into
them to kill them off so that I wouldn’t need any body parts removed. The other problem was taken
care of, as well, for which I was and continue to be thankful.

Not long after surgery a few things happened that made me very aware it was time to move again. Things
 with Tiger took a turn, and not for the better. I was praying for him more than everyone else on my prayer
 list (HIT LIST) combined on some days, things got so stressful. We decided to part ways, and as hard
as it was, it was really a blessing in disguise. Though he made some decisions I didn’t agree with, I
certainly wish him well and pray the very best for him… that his life turns around toward God
again after all he has been through in life (another tale altogether, and not one for me to tell).

Since then, things have been interesting. Very much so. God has given me instructions I never thought
 I’d hear from Him, and shown me some pretty AMAZING things… more than ever before.

They say that it is in our times of deepest pain and struggle we come to know God more and more.
 I can attest to that. Having asked Him for faith like Abraham, Moses, Joseph, Jochebed, Hannah,
Mary, and Paul, I guess that is part of what happens. LOL But I don’t regret the prayers; the
pleadings for a deeper relationship with my Savior and a strengthening of the gifts of the Holy Spirit
within me, as well as the fruit of the Spirit. Those are the best things to be asking Him for, above
THINGS of the material world, though He knows we need what we need. He knows the true
desires of each heart, the sincerity and intents and authenticity, the faith content. Knows our
DESTINIES, our FUTURE, and wants us to grasp it and walk INTO it.

As Kim Clement sometimes says, “I want to go to the future, and bring it back.” This sums up
much of my life in a single sentence. It sums up much of the goal-setting and dreaming, the visions,
the attacks of the enemy and the protection of the Lord. It sums up the ins and outs of relationships
because God wants people who are faithful to what He shows and tells them… running away from
DESTINY isn’t helpful and it doesn’t work. As a child, I tried. As a teen, I began to understand this.
 As an adult, I try to live by this… WALK INTO YOUR DESTINY… go into the future so you can
 come back to the present so you can go to the future GOD SHOWED YOU… it takes prayer,
 fasting, obedience, faith… and it is a journey. It is a process of learning to FLY!

                                         R. Kelly-  I Believe I Can Fly

UPDATE 7/16/13-- COME OVER and check out my FUNDRAISER! Journey to a Thousand Voices...

Thursday, April 19, 2012

Wings, Fangs, and Flight, Part 4

As mentioned in part three, I worked on my Master’s degree under a bit of stress and duress.

Aside from being attacked day two of semester one, a good friend died on day two of semester two. Her name was Judy… and I learned a lot from her in the bit of time we had together. As I was one of the last people who saw her before she died, I was humbled that she’d revealed I was the best friend she had ever had, because I wasn’t always as friendly as I could have been to her, to be honest. Sometimes I was irritated because of how much she talked… and it irritated me that I got irritated with it.

Judy had such a wonderful heart, despite the fears she broadcast to me about others. She was a cancer survivor, as well as an older adult… several of the teenagers who we were in class with frightened her… and so I would help alleviate her fears where I could. She had such a beautiful spirit, though, and a love for Jesus Christ unlike I had seen with so many followers of Him. There was more passion in this little woman for God than in three or four others put together… only most people never got to see that side of her at school. She affected the people around her sometimes in very subtle ways, but those of us privileged enough to get to know her heart were truly blessed.

Jars of Clay CLOSER

She was preparing to be baptized when she died. Some told me they didn’t think God would let her into heaven because she hadn’t been through the rite, but isn’t the HEART the important thing? She had a vivid personal relationship with Jesus Christ, and that is what counted. She wanted to be the best she could be, and in many ways, she was. The night she passed, her spirit visited more than one who had known her, to say goodbye. I was among those not too surprised when the news shared the next day, though I had hoped the sense I’d gotten was wrong. It never had been, though, and it wasn’t then, either. Judy had walked up the stairway to heaven with the death angel as her guide, taking her to the feet of her Savior, Jesus Christ.



Despite all the things happening in my life during these years, including two engagements that fell through, I was growing to know and love God more and more. Both engagements were with the same guy… the one who’s uncle was with the Lakers who I mentioned earlier… and there would be a third and final breaking off of that relationship, but it was what it was. I had removed him from my life for a while, but after being attacked, I invited him back in and he was one of the people that helped me through, as was Shawn, who was my best guy friend then and remains so.

Photo from


I had my struggles, but no matter how much I got mad at God, there was always a prayer and hope in my heart. I prayed for a love in my heart like His toward others. I prayed for opened spiritual eyes, ears, heart. I prayed for so many others, for their salvation… and I plugged away at my thesis. I went to counseling, took psychology and coaching courses, and became a life coach while in school… in fact, it was part of the training I put in place and God allowed so that I’d have all the pieces I needed to have the most well-rounded thesis I could for the creative healing element.



As I recovered from the second of three broken engagements, God intercepted and brought wing and flight to my heart in the form of the first even Christian women’s retreat I’d ever been to. The women there were open to God using them to minister to my broken heart and shattered dream. OpenBible, from then on, had a place in my heart and eventually I would attend another conference and become a regular part of their church and one of their wonderful GROWTH GROUPS as well as occasionally visit another of the Growth Groups, with powerful results. It was the first church I had truly felt God was in… truly in His fullness. Having gone to church my whole life, there would be occasional snippets of extraordinary power and grace revealed. I KNEW He was there. I sensed His presence and He revealed Himself to me in varying ways through the years… but it wasn’t until Open Bible that there was a consistent, tangible power from the spiritual realm coming into my life. I felt at home, at last. The only other place I had ever had that sense was listening to KimClement  and Mark Chironna  ten years prior. God prompted me with this reminder to begin listening to Kim again and to learn what I could from Mark, as well. The two of them, as well as a handful of others from varying places, spoke and continue speaking greatly into my life and spirit, for which I am forever thankful. But I’m ahead of the story again…

The enemy’s fangs came out one more time prior to graduating with my Master’s degree, though: the area of health. Not only an attack on my own, but on several loved ones aside from those who I lost. The word was, my doctor told me, she wanted me tested for Multiple Myeloma, one of the rarest cancers in the world, but that the test would cost more money than I could come up with… so, I got this news right before graduation and had to be patient, waiting nearly a year before the test was finally done: it was negative. While family members were going through heart issues, strokes, diabetes, and yes, cancer, the protein issue that led to my need for a test for cancer was healed in the year of much praying and waiting. I gained much more empathy for others, learned what I could about MM, and encourage people to this day to learn about it; as rare as it is, God put two people in my life who were affected with the disease. One has since perished, and one still remains and seems to be doing well. The fangs tried to sink, but the marks left very little scarring, for which I was thankful.

Superchic[k] WE LIVE

Work was another fang issue, though. Everywhere I applied seemed to either be where the position was filled before I applied, or the same day. Many positions had only one element I did not possess for requirements, but it was always something UNRELATED to the actual position. A few very good positions came open, and distraction set in and the results were not great. God was good, though, and provided a stop-gap position just when I needed it in order to pay my rent and when things got tight, He provided financially in miraculous ways. There was NO OTHER explanation but God each and every time I was in need of assistance through the years, and especially from the time I graduated with my Masters, on. I believe that’s because that’s when I really got serious with Him full-time, despite that I had tried to follow Him before. It took the cancer scare and some health scares with my father to really open my eyes and get me superbly serious with God.

Not long after graduation, there was the third engagement with the Lakers-related guy I had known for what seemed to be forever. The catch was he was in prison and it was for exactly the opposite of what his uncle was famous for. His uncle even called me one day to ask why I didn’t want his nephew in my life anymore, which is part of why I gave him a third shot. It became evident that without a miracle, though, this young man wouldn’t change to become who he proclaimed and portrayed himself to be, and we parted ways for good. I believe God has some wonderful plans for his life, but he has to have a heart open to what God can do through him for that to occur.

All while this was happening, I was learning about how to run a business, write grants and business plans and etc. because we’d discussed working together. This came in handy after we broke it off because my friend Michele came to me with a dream God had given her… a ministry she, her friend Debra, and I were on her heart to lead. We plunged into the waters of the call, and the three of us have gotten very close in the interim, where we’ve gone through Beth Moore’s Believing God and are in the midst of Henry Blackaby’s Experiencing God.

 At the same time, God brought two other ladies into my life… Deborah and Lisa Marie. Both of these ladies are fellow warriors with Clement’s ministry with similar spiritual gifts, and He has used the connections wonderfully and miraculously on all counts. These four ladies have become the core of my DREAM TEAM. Other than Chironna and Clement, these four ladies have been the main people God has used to speak into my life. Others have definitely played a role- my GROWTH GROUP, for example – but these are those I believe are directly part of my DESTINY. God will show in time how it will all work out.


UPDATE 7/16/13-- COME OVER and check out my FUNDRAISER! Journey to a Thousand Voices...

Tuesday, April 3, 2012

Wings, Fangs, and Flight, Part 3

The year was 2000. It was the 31st of December. I walked out the door where JJ and I had lived, and my life changed forever once more, for the better though not in every way did I see it that way. Some of it took until now, as I write this, to see where God had His hand in my life to a bigger extent than I could sense even then. It’s something I’ve learned over time, that even spiritual hindsight is at times better than foresight or time-centered sight because of perspective. While I could see some of what was going to happen, I had no idea the totality of it.

Photos from

Doing the right thing coming out of the wrong choice means that you’re going to go through some stuff. I didn’t really see that then; all I saw was I was going through and God was allowing it, though I had obeyed Him in the circumstance I was in despite that He had told me five days into the marriage to get out. I resisted because of PRIDE. What would people think? What would happen to me? This man moved into my place, and I just turned in my notice at work! That resistance… which was really saying NO to God… cost me not just the time I was with JJ, but children, health, finances, relationships, a place to live that was stable, my reputation, and in many ways, my family more than I already had lost them through the years due to misunderstandings and other events that built up to a place where nobody really trusted me much other than they trusted me to screw up. They’d always kind, of hinted I was a screw-up, in their own ways, whether it was intentional or not, but when JJ came into the picture, it was finalized in their minds: she has no idea what she’s doing. We knew she’d never make it on her own, and this proves it.

Some in my family considered forcing us apart prior to the wedding. I won’t embarrass them by saying how. It wasn’t pretty. I didn’t know until after I left what was up their potentiality sleeve… and it was confessed, “if we had the money, we’d have done it, but we also realized you’d just screw things up that way, too. At least this way you were in arms’ reach.”

Now that I think about it, that’s kind of like an octopus…, they aren’t sure exactly the shape of what they’re holding or touching, but they know they’ve got it.

Anyway, my parents were VERY helpful during the first few days and even weeks of this difficult time, and I’m here to give credit where it’s due. They were sympathetic and I even started taking some computer courses at New Horizons Computer Learning Centers with my mom and on my own as a result. I had gone directly to work when finishing high school, one of three to graduate in 1996 in my class because of how small the school was. As a result, I hadn’t gone to college yet, and it kind of frightened me because of all the times I heard I was never enough; not smart enough, talented enough, with it enough, emotionally stable enough, whatever all it was that you needed to be a success in college, I interpreted from all I was hearing and seeing in life, I didn’t have it. I’d watched kids through high school both on and off campus, tutoring as well as babysitting special needs children, so I had recent experience when I received my diploma. I went fort work through a temp service, and then through a connection at church, ended up at the place I was when I met JJ, where I stayed over two years. Justin and Will and my Dad all, at times, either dropped me off or picked me up, and usually I would take the bus back home three hours. So getting divorced was the impetus God used to get me into class work again, starting with the computer courses I took with my mom and then on my own.

I stayed with a couple of different people aside from staying at two shelters during the early months leading to and directly after the finalization of the divorce. At one place in particular, I was cared about deeply… the special needs child I used to babysit’s mother had me stay with them, and I thankfully accepted. There, I discovered some things about myself that weren’t so pretty, but I also discovered some pretty intense allergies the hard way, and about the affects of food on the different blood types. I was staying there when the divorce finalized, and the stress of it caused me to lose close to 40 pounds in less than three weeks because I couldn’t keep much down nor eat much to begin with. JJ had been force feeding me to “keep me plump like he liked me,” and I had just been through a miscarriage, so I was at my highest weight when I had arrived. God used this time to get my body back to its normal, even if it wasn’t what I wanted… and even less than that. For the first time in my adult life… and the only time… I was at my ideal weight, and stayed there for nearly eight months before it began to creep back up.

Part of the upcreeping weight was for a good reason: I had finished at New Horizons and begun to take some college courses at a local community college. My dad, bless his heart, took a DreamWeaver course with me… I did the homework, and he was bored with it. He took it because it was something we had a mutual interest in and my parents knew once I got my feet wet with college, I’d be fine. I’d always been that way… needing someone to go with me the first time to something big and life changing. At that time in my life it was crippling in its effect. They were right, though… once I started my first class, I really enjoyed myself. I enrolled and took some interior design courses and other computer classes, and eventually transferred to Warner Pacific College, once I learned I was allergic to a couple of the staples needed in interior design. Aside from that, when I did my design boards, I had to do them multiple times to get the lines straight, even with a ruler, due to a learning disability similar to dyslexia. I could see in my mind’s eye what I wanted to do but when it got onto the paper, I knew it wasn’t exactly straight, and I was a perfectionist.

At Warner, I met many of the people who are important to my world today... and THROUGH Warner, I met half of what my friend Michele calls my DREAM TEAM. This will be mentioned later in better detail.

Athena Cage ALL OR NOTHING (From Save the Last Dance)

At Warner, I learned about the Myers-Briggs, that I was an INFJ – the rarest personality type, exemplified by the DOLPHIN because of their mystery – and that I wasn’t a freak of nature like I had grown to believe over the years. God began to show me that I was in a line, spiritually, emotionally, relationally, physically, personality-wise, and etc. with differing peoples based on the different things. For example, He showed me that I’m like certain persons I greatly admired all my life and thought I’d never have anything in common with. Our personality type was the same… though the percentages might not have been exact, since all people fluctuate some with the personality. That is part of being human.

I learned God wanted to use my gifts at a much higher level than I was allowing while at Warner, too. Writing, editing, creativity in general, prophetic and intercessory giftings, compassion ministries, and other gifts He had revealed to me, became more and more a reality. God had begun that work in me at a very early age, but when it was curtailed by fear… chomp! That snake had help from loved ones sinking the fangs in… especially concerning prophecy and prayer because those are two of my greatest gifts. They are the ones God wants to use within the center of my destiny. The rest are complimentary. Everything else revolves around these, and they around GOD in CHRIST.

So as I worked on my undergrad degree – English with a double minor – I was learning life lessons left and right. God was working through the circumstances, the relationships, the coursework toward the end of DESTINY and the enemy was still fighting fang and rattle. I allowed three people from my past to re-enter my life… two of them I learned the mistakes from while the third has become one of my dearest and closest friends. A lot was learned the hard way with the other two. At one point, I even quit school, went back to Community College, the plan changed a second time, and I had to re-apply to Warner, and was thankful to be reaccepted. I worked hard. Harder than most people realized. Several people made comments to me about how I had it made because, to them, it seemed like my whole life was put together. Little did they know I was staying with friends and family all through school and there was the constant reminder I was ONLY a guest, not someone who “lived there.” Little did they know that the reason my clothes looked better or more expensive is because I had studied fashion design from fifth grade to the present in my spare time, just for fun and that I was getting a lot of second-hand things that looked much more spendy than I had the money for. Little did they know one of my aunts bought me a few pieces of the clothes I had… the ones that were truly “nice” by some people’s standards. Little did they know I skimped on other necessities to have 200 a year for clothes so I’d have shoes without holes and coats that were warm. Little did they know I spent upwards of 90 hours a week with homework sometimes and that the reason I never really went to anything was because I was doing all of this with fibromyalgia and family stress and trying to just hold together the pieces of my life with a lot of prayer and Advil.

 Little did they know how many people I never got to say goodbye to during those years, either. At one point, three in a week right before finals of the last semester prior to graduation, one of which was a murder… the fifth to affect my life.


Graduation was nice, but then it was on to search for work, only to find that I needed to repair my credit in order to be hired because JJ had stolen my identity the whole time I was in undergraduate school earning my BA. Several job offers, and all fell through, in the first five months or so after college, so I went to check my credit score to find addresses I never heard of as part of the questions to get my own information. Eventually it was resolved, but it took calling daily, sometimes being on the phone over an hour, nearly three months of calling… but God had given one lady there a special assignment. The first woman I spoke with said to always ask for her: her ex had been nearly identical in his behaviors and so God gave me a wing moment… this woman was my intercessor with the company until the big boss finally broke down and spoke to me. Ten minutes later it was resolved and my credit was cleared. But the damage had been done. I took a low-paying position with a telemarketing company only to not be able to do the work because the earphones gave me infections and the boss was making a lot of very racist comments, including about people I knew. I mustered the courage to call him on it, and that wasn’t appreciated though others actually applauded. To me it was just common sense. If you don’t know someone… why lie about them? Why call someone something they’re not because that is how you want to see them? If it isn’t the case, why say it? Those had, are always things that had set me up to muster courage and speak out… just like prophecy always had, even though I never looked at my gift as “prophecy” until someone spoke it out for me and showed it to me. A gift I’d had as early as three, and I refused to give it a name because I didn’t want to sound pretentious. It took until 22 or 23 before I could say, yes, I have the gift of prophecy. But in that telemarketing job, God had me use both as a response to this boss’ lies. He was speaking of Shaquille O’Neil not knowing I used to date the nephew of a teammate of his. I had the inside scoop he didn’t because I’d have heard a story like the one being told. It was too out there to be true and my not have heard it. Needless to say, I wasn’t there long. I started on my birthday and left two weeks later because of health and the spirit of ignorance and pride I sensed in varying people, with much influence from the man in charge.

My family didn’t want me to go to school after I got my degree, though God was calling me to do so. It was a bone of contention. Finally, things got heated and I moved in with some friends, and while there, got a call from someone in the family, OK you can go to school… I’ll pay upfront for you to take floral design so you know a trade, but you need to pay me back and you have to live back here with us for me to pay for it. An aunt of mine had just gotten me some beautiful new clothes for interviews, and I had a sense the floral design might be helpful in the long run, so I accepted even though it felt like a trap to me that I was walking right into. In some ways, it was… but I learned so much in the class that helps me even today that it was worth it in the end… what may have had ill intentions, God used for HID glory… and if the intentions were good, then wonderful… it isn’t for me to judge. I interviewed at my first shop after the class excited at the possibility, and they said I didn’t learn what I’d need in an actual shop… that I needed more and not to bother applying elsewhere. When I asked God about it, I heard, “I told you to go back for your Master’s degree… not floral design school.” I moved back in with friends again and eventually got back over to Warner and applied with God’s covering. It was a MAJOR WING moment for me.

I say that because 1) the person in charge of letting me in doesn’t even like me; she tried to pretend for a while but by that time, she had stopped pretending. She waived the whole fee to apply since I had graduated less than a year before; 2) had the fee not been waved, I’d have been on the street because my friends were moving; and 3) God provided a place for me before I knew I needed it. And that person was the daughter of my preschool Sunday School teachers who I didn’t even know at the time. Not only did she provide a place, but she allowed me to move in before the semester began, which meant, with no money to pay her until my check came in from financial aid. God provided when there was seemingly NO way… because He called it into being.

Britt Nicole’s HAVE YOUR WAY

The enemy didn’t like that very much.

The day after graduate school began, I was attacked in my home, my new home, the first place of my own since I left JJ, nearly 10 years afterward. It was one of two things I had vowed to myself I wouldn’t ever allow to happen again, and there it was, in the form of an old friend. I hadn’t reported anyone else who had attacked me, JJ included, when it happened before and I was too scared to this time because there were death threats to my family as well as myself involved and he REMEMBERED where they lived. But the enemy didn’t succeed in defeating me… he made me stronger with the brunt force of the bite!!

Instead of doing my thesis on invisible illnesses in the Church as I’d planned, I changed my thesis project to Creative Healing for Women in Crisis and the Role of the Church as a way to help others as well as to work through my own healing process the Lord. God gave me a new name, and I had mine legally changed. My wardrobe changed, my hair changed, my demeanor changed, I reported to the school what happened, I went to counseling and stayed there for all three school years I worked on my Masters degree. Unlike my undergrad graduation, the one for my Masters was small, and I was okay with that. It’s been what has happened SINCE then that has been intriguing…

Stay tuned to find out!

UPDATE 7/16/13-- COME OVER and check out my FUNDRAISER! Journey to a Thousand Voices...